WHAT THE WORLD LOOKS LIKE FROM 3 FEET AND 3 INCHES

Friday, April 08, 2005

Mama says, "Kirk Cameron Was Such a Hottie!"
So to make sure my Spring Break started off right, my mama scheduled me a doctors visit first thing Monday morning. It was ok though. My legs have been hurting lately, so we went to the doc. The doc says that they're "growing pains," that they usually happen around age 4 or 5, and that they will last for a few months. So for all you suckas out there that thought I was just being a patsy, up your nose with a rubber hose.



Gawd, I can't go anywhere anymore








I feel you, Mr. Penn.

In other news...
This week I graduated from the slow ponies to the medium ponies at Griffith Park. I just had to say that.

Monday, March 28, 2005


La Estrella de la Muerte

Luke, yo soy tu papa
I've taken to watching Star Wars in Spanish. I watched it in French the other day, but no one sounds as tough as they do in English or Spanish. Imagine if it were in German, whoa.

I like making people feel inferior in intelligence whenever I watch Star Wars in Spanish. Like the other day when I was watching it, I ask my mama, "What is that?" So my mama says, "The Death Star." I was like, "Uh, nooooooo. That's La Estrella de la Muerte." Haha. I crack myself up.




Many of you may think, 'How can a five-year-old possibly have an opinion on Starbucks?" Well, in case you haven't noticed by now, I'm no ordinary five-year-old, but, I digress. There are more Starbuckses than there are McDonald'ses, and being that marketing nowadays uses simple logos easily recognizable by small children in order to consumerize us at the earliest age possible, the question I pose to you is: How can I not have an opinion on Starbucks?

I tried to talk to my mama about not going there anymore, but she is such a sheep. I hope my top five reasons can save some of your souls out there.

The Moopie's Top 5 Reasons Why You Should Not Patronize Starbucks

#5 They once made my hot chocolate so hot it almost made all the capillaries in my head explode. Oh and I burned my tongue too.

#4 They keep putting independent coffee shops out of business. Now, maybe this is a good thing, in that I don't have to get dragged by my mama to anymore of those hippie poetry things. But still. It's just not fair. Starbucks is a big bully, and I don't like bullies.

#3 If caffeine isn't good for me, certainly low-level amphetamines aren't good for grown-ups.


#2
If you don't stop going to Starbucks, these poor activists will keep making absolute fools of themselves just so you'll honk. (Points for creativity go to that guy holding a sign on the far right, by the way.)

And the #1 reason you should stop going to Starbucks...
Adults look silly drinking out of sippy cups.



In Other News...
I hate to say it, but you really should eat your vegetables. Last week I had a mean bout with constipation, and the constipation won. The medicine and prune juice that my mama gave me didn't work until the next day, while I was at school. I made so much poopoo that I clogged the toilet at daycare. How a 5-year-old girl could command such a feat, I don't know. Now that is some ish for real.

Friday, March 18, 2005

I have five on it

Happy Friday everyone. Last week, I told you all about two babies that were born. Now, two more homies have decided to do it ex utero style - babies Giana and Miles, on the same freakin day! They were both born on March 12th. "The man with the beautiful eyes" called from Chicago and said all went well with baby Giana. I saw Miles an hour after he came out. I was hoping they would reconsider my offering of "Ultraman" for his name, but some are not as forward thinking as I.

Anyways, March has proven to be quite the month for birthdays, mine included. I look forward to most of the challenges and responsibilities that will come with this new chapter in my life. However, five ain't all that it's cracked up to be sometimes. I've listed some observations to illustrate my point.

3. Higher prices at Super King Buffet in El Monte, CA - The food's not getting better, and I don't believe I'm consuming more food than I was on March 2nd, yet these people have my mama shelling out an extra .95 cents for me at this restaurant. You might say, it's only .95 cents more, but it's really the principle than it is the money. Then again, my mama is Ilocano, so it probably is the money for her.

2. Lying - For the the first four years of my life, I was taught that lying was wrong. I would even be disciplined if I were caught lying. But now my guardians tell me to lie everytime we go out, i.e., to Super King Buffet. I went there the other day with my Lolo and Lola, and they told me to tell the hostess I was four. How can you people make me deny my age! This is who I am! Get used to it!

Later on that day, I lied to my mama and told her that I did not eat a blue blowpop before dinner, but she somehow figured out I was lying. That earned me a trip to the naughty corner. I don't get it.

1. Academics - Pre-K reading and writing is so overrated, yet I must endure this everyday at school so that I don't make my classmates feel bad. Teach me survival words, for goodness sake. Instead, this white man's insitution designed to keep me down has created false boundaries for my intelligence and I'm limited to 3-letter words all day, everyday. All I have to say to that is, CAN BAT TAN PIG.

Go Moopie, it's your birthday
Here are some pics from my birthday. Note that there a children there. Woohoooooo!!


This is me with my birthday crown. At first, my mama wouldn't by me a crown, talking about it was feudal and inappropriate considering that over 70% of the philippines still live as peasant farmers. But it was my birthday, so she let me wear it.


Me and my spiderman cake. Those are gumdrops on my crown, by the way. We started late, so I began eating them. My mama made me stop. But if you were wondering why I don't have jew-els on the front of my crown, that's why.


Now that I'm five, I actually have a bridge for my nose! But my mama doesn't, and she' 27.


This is Ultraman's mama and papa knockin' back a few cold ones while he was still in utero.

Below are some pictures of me straight spankin' fools at Pin the Tail on the Donkey





We had to use one of Kuya B's socks as a blindfold. I overheard him and my mama arguing about whether or not she should use their real blindfold, but he didn't want us to use it. Oh well. Worked out anyways, since Kuya B's socks have holes in them. So I could see just fine.


This is baby Kayla. She only has four teeth! She so cute. My lolo only has four teeth. He's not that cute though.


Unfortunately, crime doesn't stop for birthday parties. Thats ok though, we were ready and willing and sugared up to serve justice.


Me and Girl Wonder, prepping for our recon. Apparently, Girl WOnder was a little too sugared up to keep her mask on straight. I gotta talk to her about that. We can all learn from Tony Almeda's mistakes.


Mission Accomplished! Now I can take off this mask and walk around freely as a common citizen. Back to the partay...


I got a life jacket for all my subaquatic missions...


These infrared goggles for all my nighttime missions...



A dress...


Some green paper that my mama quickly snatched out of my hand and danced in circles with...



Barry Pepper as Dale Earnhadt shouting all up in my ear...


This baaaaad car racetrack thingy...


And this little number that I can train in. And now I can train at night!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Don't Call It A Comeback

So, after several people let me know that they were waiting for a new Moopie post, please be satiated with this new blog update. There is lots to talk about, much of which will be covered over the course of a number of posts, so bear with me if I become a little wordy at times.

Anyways, so far I have two new friends - Isabelle Mia back in Jersey, and Jocelyn Marlo out here. I'd like to take this moment to thank the moms for being so thoughtful as to birthing playmates for me so I could have someone under the age of 25 to hang out with. It woulda been nice though if one of you threw a boy in the mix. But oh well. Two down and like, nine-hundred-forty-seven to go...


And now the meat of today's post

Being a superhero, I have come to understand the infinite gradations of good and bad that exist in all of us. Sometimes there is pure evil, sometimes people are just meanies, and sometimes good people are mislead into believing in bad things. I have devised a test and grading system to determine the evilocity of people. I must warn you though: this grading system is a very powerful tool and should only be used by those who have a natural penchant for human psychology and can throw fireballs.

If a person likes THE LAKERS: they are poor, misguided little sheep.
Evilocity: 1
If a person likes BUSH: they are imperialist, misguided little sheep.
Evilocity: 2
If a person likes THE LAKERS and BUSH: Run, because you have just shook hands with the Devil.
Evilocity: 3

To illustrate my grading system, I have listed a few people we are all familiar with

Paris Hilton

Laker lover. Being an L.A. girl who is popular for something I don't know about, she has to love the Lakers. She makes great seat filler for the front row at Staples. I don't think she can form an opinion on Bush, so I have to give her an evilocity rating of 1.


Anakin Skywalker

Evilocity rating: 1, a.k.a., Laker fan. At this age, little boys want to be on the winning team. Unfortunately, much like the Lakers' fate, this line of thinking has spelled out a very "dark" future for Master Skywalker, ho-hoh...


The Los Angeles Lakers

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Bush lovers, Evilocity rating:2. The only reason the Lakers didn't get an evilocity rating of 3 is because I don't think the Lakers even like the Lakers. I couldn't even find a picture of the current team together, that's how bad the self hate must be. Or maybe they didn't bother to take any 2004-2005 team pictures BECAUSE THEY AREN'T GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE CHAMPIONSHIPS THIS YEAR


Dora the Explorer

I know you all must be surprised that Dora made it on this list. But I had to include her to illustrate how varied the nuances of evil can be. Dora herself is not evil, but she has become the puppet of the Dora brand, which is.
If Dora had a SSN (and I say that because she is a cartoon, not because she's Latina. Don't get it twisted) she would be "strongly advised" by her handlers to vote for Bush. Since he's cut funding for schools, Dora has been able to corner the market on bilingual education, which means big bucks for the execs over at Nickelodeon. I have to give her an Evilocity rating of 2.


Beelzebub

I said you met the devil.
Was there any question that Lucifer himself is a not only a fan of the Lakers, but also a fan of his twin brother, G-Dub? Evilocity rating: 3

I'm not an infant, not yet a toddler
Big shout out to my homie Baby Kayla, who my mama said is turning 1 this month, although I can't imagine her ever being zero.

Hopefully next posting I'll have pictures from the recent party I had for my 5th birthday, and I'll also list a bunch of things I've had to learn now that I am of full-handed age.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Thanksgiving? Or Thankstaking?

Well I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I know I did, although I must say I was worried about it for a minute. I came home from school Wednesday afternoon, and the look of complete horror on my mama's face indicated that this might not be such a happy Thanksgiving after all. She was much better after I removed the feather headdress I made at school. I did, however, convince her into letting me wear it to bed.

You know, every year around January, my mama begins talking to herself around the house. I overhear her berating herself with things like, "Did you really need that extra helping of yams on Christmas, Faith? "Just 'cause your name is a Kwanzaa principle is not rationale to invite yourself to black people's homes for dinner," "Hannukah is not Hebrew for 'marathon eating,' and "This turkey is still good since its been frozen for so long."
I've suggested she take a more preventive approach, and get a head start on working out. I've agreed to be her work out buddy, you know to support her. I'll keep you updated on how that all goes.

Speaking of my mama, she's looking for a job. Her skills include organizing, writing poetry, origami, and she makes a mean grilled cheese. She's good at convincing you that she's tormenting you for your own good, and that you'll thank her for it someday. Oh, and she can pat your butt for hours on end until you fall asleep. Tell me someone out there in cyberspace wouldn't pay for that. So yeah, if you hear of anything, please let me or my mama know since the job market's not so hot right now. Nowadays the only jobs available seem to be in the President's cabinet.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Well it's about freaking time

Hello fans, one and all. Hello fans, big and small. I am pleased to announce that I have pictures from my trip to Sea World. I went to Sea World, like, a million years ago with big homies Mama, B, Caine and Belle; little homies Jasmine and Ryan, and the medium sized homie Carissa.

But first, let me just say that I am excitedly awaiting the arrival of the numerous surrogate siblings people keep making for me. I am coming up with names for all of them as we speak. So far it's a toss up between "Ultraman" and "Carlitos" for Kuya Caine and Ate Belle's baby (irregardless of the gender, I might add).

Onward...

Let's just start off with a few nice pictures of the crew, shall we? And yes, as a matter of fact, I did intend for my hair to be in my face in all my pictures.






This isn't up to par with forcing your child to ride a pony or take a picture with a frightening life sized cartoon character, but clearly I am terrified in these pictures. However, I managed to go to a happy place in my mind as you can see in the third photo:








I can't say exactly what it was I was thinking in this picture, but it clearly must've been brilliant.



Below is a classic case of pigtail envy, but I have since cut my hair to rid
me of such unnecessary preoccupation. Still, she don't need to be smirking
like her pigtails are all that or whatever.



I just watched a special on Dolphin attacks on humans

HEE HAH DAMIEN HEE HAH DAMIEN HEE HAH DAMIEN


I have nothing to say about the following pictures. Surfing on killers whales is just too cool for words, though it would explain those reports of the animals flipping out on their trainers.







Here's Ryan suffocating a starfish


And here is Kuya Caine restraining Jasmine from running away screaming and forcing her to pretend that she is having fun inspite of her face being inches away from the millions of tiny suctions on this horrid creature's underside



And here's a shot of me in front of a gigantic starfish that is totally invading the space of a mussel. I went to ask that little boy in the overalls to take a picture with me, but he mysteriously disappeared.



This is what pure evil looks like. I don't know why God made these.



In retrospect, SeaWorld is a horrifying place full of toxic marinelife who maintain ambigous dispositions, thereby making it nearly impossible to tell when they will strike you with blows of death or suffocate you with their alien like tentacles. In addition, I don't think the beer garden is a good idea. I wouldn't be out of place to suggest that flesh eating piranhas do not pair harmoniously with intoxicated park visitors, would I? To the adults who took us to Sea World, shame on you. Your irresponsiblity is absurd.

In other news...
In case any of you have forgotten, I am still, SPIDERMAN.

Friday, September 17, 2004

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt that I couldn't find the number 6 on the TV remote. *Mama's note:Channel 6 is Nickelodeon in our area.